Sometimes I coordinate workplace behavioral studies. For instance, it is possible to stimulate the amygdala, or the 'panic' center of the brain, merely by setting ordinary office equipment on fire. I then write copious notes on how my co-workers react. Because that's how much I want to be a scientist. This apology card should be sent after the firemen turn off the automatic sprinkler system.send this
On the upper floor of my house I have a large room furnished with a single persian rug that I call The Dojo of Deprivation. On the outside of the door I have a sign that says: "Kris's room. The Dojo of Deprivation. Keep out." And two skulls and crossbones f...
People often say to me: 'Kris, why are you walking around clutching a jar full of wasps to your chest?' And I just say, 'I'm befriending them in case of a wasp plague.' It feels nice when people worry about me. Lately it has been pointed out that very littl...
Sometimes I play this videogame called The Sims and the little people keep having emotional breakdowns and wind up defecating in their neighbor's kitchens at 3am, or entering other Sim's bedrooms to watch them make-out while they daydream about nachos. God is playing 7 billion games of The Sims. Man, that sure is a lot of thoughts about nachos.
Some of my closest friends are managers. It's a perfectly respectable job, especially for people who are unable to do anything else. And I get along fine with managers, once they've learned how much easier it is to not ask me questions, like: 'what is it you do here, Kris?' or 'why won't you give me back those compromising photos?' On the whole I'd be bored without them.
May 9th is National Lost Sock Memorial Day. I believe that every washing machine manufactured after 1963 was designed to eat precisely one sock per month, just to keep everybody in the consumer world a little off-balance. So where do all the socks go? They're sacrificed, with noble intent, for our collective unease. It's a religion I'm starting. And, of course, I'll be taking donations...
People sometimes feel bad about things and I blame the media, and also spider monkeys. Everybody puts such an emphasis on bad things happening everywhere but a lot of good things happen that don't get reported on. Each year thousands of circus clowns go missing. If you happen to have information about clown disappearances near you, remember: discretion is everything.
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